Money

From the beginning there was unequal power dynamic in terms of money. Joe swooped into my life and family when I was a single mom of 3, paying the bills and taking care of my kids. Making it work. I was a hard worker and had built a nice business.

The kids and I were love bombed with trips, gifts, attention. He was wonderful with the children. It seemed like a fairy tale. When I moved from my house and business to create a new life and family with Joe I was excited and in love with him. He was insistent on taking care of everything. Making it all happen. It was overwhelming. Joe liked to throw money around. He wanted people to think of him as wealthy. He hobnobbed with wealthy people, took photographs for wealthy and famous people. He used his money and wealth as a tool to create an image. Not to say he didn’t work hard, he did. But there was power or an image he was trying to create when he gave his money away so generously. He wanted people to see it and know it. And know how great of a guy he was. He referred to the beginning part of our lives as “saving me”. I had not been looking to be saved; I thought I was gaining a partner, not a savior. And this led to a lot of our problems moving forward, he thought he got a bad return on his money. I realize now this was part of his “image management”, see below.

Soon I realized that this power dynamic would always be used against me for our entire time together. He grew tired of us after the two youngest were born. We were told we were “drains on his resources”. He got his own children, and now was done with us. I felt bought and paid for. At the end of the marriage he even offered me $200k to just disappear and leave the two small children.

Since I was self employed before and I had 2 babies exactly 12 months apart from each other shortly after Joe and I moved in together, I stayed at home taking care of the 5 kids. I supported his work, allowing for him to work whenever he wanted. He would be gone 3-4 days or a week at a time. Traveling around the country to different events. I flexed around his very busy, unpredictable schedule. I tried to help bring in money too, I created a website for him. I created an online ordering system and shipped his photos, expanded his business and reach. I helped with the production of his pictures, printing, delivering. I was trying to add to the situation in any way I could.

I was constantly being told different things in regard to our financial situation. That things were great, we were solid financially, that he was making more money than he ever had before. Then I would hear “we’re a sinking ship”, we spend way more than we bring in, we’re going broke. I never was involved in paying the bills, the finances at all, so I asked to make a budget so I could understand and help. He refused and I was accused of “only marrying him for his money.” Whenever I questioned spending money or accounting for what we were purchasing, I was accused of going after his money. I honestly just wanted to help and not be a drain, but I was often accused of being the opposite. Financial decisions were not made with me.

His outbursts and outrages about money scared me. It was like he had this paranoia that infiltrated our relationship. We did not have a joint bank account, he refused. I was not allowed to be named on his accounts, he refused. I was not allowed to be on the deed to the house, he refused. I thought we were supposed to be partners. He did not. He finally allowed a joint bank account to be opened in 2020… 6 years into our marriage after constant questioning about it.

He has accused me of having secret credit cards. I had credit cards, but he knew of them. I was paying off a couple thousands dollar of debt from my prior business which he knew. I once had to have extensive dental work done and he told me I had to pay for it. I put it on a credit card. I didn’t know what else to do. I was able to take some of the money I had made selling and fulfilling orders through the online store. So when our divorce came about he created tales that I was stealing money from him to pay secret credit card accounts that he didn’t know about. That I was taking money from his bank account and he didn’t know it. He testified that I had money coming in from other sources, so I must be stealing it from the business. Smear campaign.

Joe spent money like water. He did not want to be limited with his spending, he still wanted to live like a bachelor. Whereas I was a single mom for 3 years and budgeted every penny, he was able to live lavishly. He wanted to continue that. He would take the kids on overnight hotel stays just for fun. He spent money on any and all toys imaginable. Vacations. He added an unnecessary addition on to the house, put in a new heating system that wasn’t really needed. He took the kids to Great Wolf Lodge 3 times in one year. All the while, he would be losing his temper on me because “we’re a sinking ship”.

It got to the point that Joe’s outbursts, anger, and obsession with the children was so unhealthy, that I pushed for the kids to go to a daycare part time. They needed to be away from him. He was increasingly refusing to work and just wanted to stay home and play. I also was starting to work again. He was forever contentious that I wanted the kids in daycare and that it proved how wasteful I was with money.

At the end of 2018 Joe wanted to invest in a farming business with 2 friends of ours. $100,000 from the sale of one of his houses was used to fund the start up. Through our divorce , Joe used this $100,000 loan to manipulate our business partners. He was sending me messages that they were going to screw us over on the loan. And he was telling them that they didn’t have to pay it back, he knew they wanted to pretend it never happened. I refused to work any more for the business until we talked about the loan repayment because it was clear that the business was going to have to close. The business partners lost it, refused to talk about it, and turned on me. ( complete documentation available). Joe just laughed and completely supported them. He had stoked and created discord which was exactly what he wanted. He had accomplished his goal of turning them against me. And he sacrificed $100,000 to do so. I write further about this here .

His mismanagement with money reached a peak after covid. At that time, he told me that he felt like he never had so much money and at the same time, to other people, he was acting like we were hurting for money. It really was so confusing. Joe told me that he had accepted a Small Business Loan from the government for $52,000 because he just wanted to have it. I found out later after the fact, that he had put the $52,000 into pot stocks through an app on his phone. Let’s be clear, Joe knew nothing about investing , he was a complete amateur and this money was supposed to be used for business purposes. He testified about this in court. I also talk about this here.

Joe swore in our first court hearing that I had access to our joint checking account and credit card used for household expenses. These two things were the only access I had to our marital money. Not five minutes after court, Joe removed all the money from the checking account and shut off the credit card. Court documentation below.